Today, I got a new, unexpected reaction to my old problem.
I went to my professor’s office to return some books I borrowed to prepare for my finals. He asked for my name, as he wanted to give me a rough tendency about how I did in the exam. I told him how badly it went and he frowned at me. “Let’s just read my evaluation, okay?” He looked for it and started flipping through the pages. So he read it to me. It sounded okay. The parts I knew were horrible, he had pointed out, as well. "Your end is really flawed.", he said. “So, did I pass, then?”, I asked to reassure myself. Still looking at the paper, he nodded. And I started crying. I hate to cry in front of people, even my friends. This professor is practically a stranger. But it was such a relief, I had worried for a month. I was ashamed immediately. You just don’t cry in front of strangers now, do you?
But this professor. This brilliant, wonderful human being, who really does not know me at all, looked at me. With tears in his eyes. “You did!”, he said with force. “You passed and you passed well!” This person, who does not know about my nerves, to whom I am just another student, was so happy for me, actually feeling so much with me, that he got watery eyes. He looked at me and understood.
For the first time in all this mess, I was actually understood. The irregular heart beating, the nightmares, the nausea, the constant self-doubt. He saw it all without me voicing it. “Go home and sleep well again.”, he said at the door.
This made my day. There are people out there like him. Whenever I feel misanthropic, I will remember that. People who care. In general, not just about their close ones. That was really an utterly amazing experience! <3